three

“Now I only want what's real

To let my heart feel what it feels

Gold, silver, or bronze hold no value here

Where work and rest are equally revered

I only want what's real

I set aside the highlight reel

And leave my greatest failures on display with an asterisk

Worthy of love anyway”

- three, sleeping at last

If any of you are familiar with the enneagram test, I am a hardcore three. I focus too heavily on being the best, showing I am worthy, and finding perfection. Recently, I have hopped onto the enneagram train, and I found that it isn’t just a personality test trend- the sentiments expressed in the number descriptions are so applicable to more than just the individual type. I believe that we all have a little bit of three in us. We all have a little bit of the desire to be noticed, affirmed, and worthy of more. I struggle with this in times of stress more than ever. I have multiple jobs, I am graduating in May, I take the LSAT next Saturday, I have a serious relationship, I hold a sorority position, and more. These things are some of the biggest blessings in my life, but I can easily see them as the medals of my life. If I am not excelling in every single one, always, I begin to question my worth. On top of this, I seek out more to put on my plate in an effort to find value, an overcompensation for the lack of complete control and perfection I am feeling in other aspects of my life. Why is this, though? Why do I do a seemingly paradoxical thing every time I feel overwhelmed with life? We live in a culture that constantly screams at us to do more, show off more, be more. The busier we are, the more capable we are. The more we accomplish, the more worthy we become. The more we show others the good things we are doing, the more value we hold. Sleeping at Last has an album he recently released called “Enneagram” where he wrote music for each number. Listening to “Three” brought me to tears. It is the simplest song on the entire album: just a piano, a voice, and lyrics. There is no consistent beat, there is no chorus, it simply is. He did this on purpose. Threes feel like we always have to do more to establish worth in the eyes of others, but, most importantly, to establish worth in the eyes of ourselves. I think this applies to all of us, in some respect. When we take a moment to step back and examine why we do what we do, if you are like me, the majority of those things are motivated by the need to feel like we are worthy of the love of others. What I am realizing more and more, however, is that I am highly motivated by the need to feel worthy of the love of myself. I have to prove to myself that when I am complimented on what I do or when I achieve something, I deserve that. That is the problem. When we don’t see ourselves as valuable in our own eyes, how can we ever believe we are valuable to anyone else? How can we ever believe we are valuable to God? That is the conclusion that has challenged me the past week. Personal growth begins in your mind, your perception of yourself, through the filter of the gospel. It isn’t a ripple effect of what others tell you. They won’t always tell you what you want to hear when you need to hear it. They won’t always be there to comment on a picture or send you a sweet text. The one thing that is always with you is your thoughts. I am in the process of shifting those thoughts to being worthy of love because of the love shown to me on the cross, not because of the gold, silver, or bronze.

“And I finally see myself

Unabridged and overwhelmed

A mess of a story I'm ashamed to tell

But I'm slowly learning how to break this spell”