the belly

Bitterness is a whale that swallows you. You look around and only see black heavy darkness. There is no forward, there is no backward, there is only the place where you sit. Your mind swirls with the “what ifs,” the “should haves,” the “could haves,” the “whys.” Each of these things flutters around your mind, beating your head with their harsh wings. Then, suddenly, light breaks, and you find yourself on a sunny shore. Warm sun lifting you from the ground, cool breeze kissing your cheeks, and a moment of sweet, sweet peace.

I can imagine Jonah must have felt every one of his “whys” disappear as his purpose became clear as the blue water in which that whale swam away. I want that more than I could explain- the answers. I have had a hard year, I am not going to lie. It has been full of “whys” and “why didn’t yous.” I have been angry, hurt, but most of all, I have been bitter. If you know me, I am a person who is full of life and joy. I love to see life through my rose-colored glasses and relish in whatever it has to offer. But, it offered me some sour lemons over the last year and a half. This has resulted in lemonade that is watered down, lacking sweetness, and simply not refreshing. Like I said, a hard year.

But what has made it so much harder is my bitterness towards events that have happened in the past. I have craned my neck, time and time again, to look back at that past and feel it again. and again. and again. Each time, the darkness swallowed me deeper and deeper as my heart grew colder toward what life had offered me. Where is my shore? Where is my warm sun? Where is my cool breeze?

Those are the questions that my heart has been yearning for, and those are the questions that are still waiting to be answered.

I have realized that those things may not come when I want them to. But they will come. They will come. I will find my peace, I will rebuild my strength, I will stand tall on the shore with a new purpose. “From the belly of the grave, I cried, ‘Help!’” (Jonah 2:2). I have learned to cry out to God in whatever stage of emotion I am in: desperation, deep anger, confusion, frustration, pain, grief, resentment, and bitterness. What I have realized is that, we are so afraid, as Christians, to reveal to God how we truly feel, that we allow ourselves to sit in the belly of the whale in silence. I thought that if I showed my anger, my love for the Lord would be called into question. If I revealed my bitterness, God would be disappointed. Those are lies from one who wants nothing more than to isolate us in that abyss.

“Ocean gripped me by the throat.

The ancient Abyss grabbed me and held tight.

My head was all tangled in seaweed

at the bottom of the sea where the mountains take root.

I was as far down as a body can go,

and the gates were slamming shut behind me forever—

Yet you pulled me up from that grave alive,

O God, my God!

When my life was slipping away,

I remembered God,

And my prayer got through to you.”

Jonah 2:4-8

I remember God. When my sadness wraps its hands around my throat, I remember God. When my questions beat at my mind, I remember God. When I scream out in anger, I remember God. When I crane my neck to see my hurt, I remember God.

When I see Satan face to face with the spitting remarks of isolation, doubt, and bitterness, I remember God.

That is the key that releases the chains of bitterness. When we are in the belly of the whale, the “what ifs,” the “should haves,” the “could haves,” and the “whys” threatening to forever hide our hope, we find our shore with one simple truth to repeat over and over and over again: I remember God.