I am all I need

I am listening to Spotify right now after having sat in desperate prayer, and I am writing because it is odd how God works. I am listening to a song that says: “I already got a good thing with me, I already got everything I need, I am good by myself, don’t need nobody else.” One, let’s ignore the grammar… if you are like me you are twitching reading that written down. Two, That has become the anthem of our culture. We don’t need anyone but ourselves. We are all we need, and once we realize that we will be happy. I have to be honest, I have been believing this idea for a while now. I have been fed up with unanswered prayers, glimpses of hope stripped away as soon as they came, and feeling as though I could do better on my own.

Oh, what a lie this is.

I have been through some stuff, some hard, hurtful stuff. Everything in the culture says, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” As true as this may be, it doesn’t feel that way when you feel you are knocking at death’s door (hypothetically, just making sure we are on the same page here). Yet, I have been telling myself, “I am strong. All of this, it has made me strong enough to handle anything.” Even further, I have subconsciously begun telling myself, “That made me strong enough that I don’t need God anymore.” Writing that out is hard. It requires a vulnerability that, as a Christian, can feel like the sin of all sins when writing a faith-based blog: I am better on my own. I want to be completely transparent, this has been my foundation for the past few months. I have had struggles in my own life, in my family’s life, in my boyfriend’s life- burdens that aren’t mine to carry, I have taken on because “I am strong enough.”

That thought is exactly what crippled my knees beneath me.

I am not strong enough. I can’t do it alone. I can’t sink into isolation from God and the God-speaking people around me and bee happy. Finally realizing you are all you need does not equal happiness. Finally realizing God is all you need does. The bitter reality, though, is that it doesn’t always feel like happiness. It can feel like you are walking through quicksand. Imagine with me, you have gotten yourself into a pit of quicksand. There is a top above you that you can take to pull yourself out, but that requires you realizing you need help from someone else to free yourself. You are making next to no progress as you trudge forward, you are sinking quicker than you are rising, and you are completely alone. So, at that moment, is it better to say you can get yourself out or take the rope? The answer is so obvious, but when we don’t see that rope, the answer is less clear. That is the thing that I have been failing to understand. God is always there, waiting for me. He is the loving father waiting for his prodigal son or daughter to come home.

He is there, He is ready, but are you?

That is the question we must ask ourselves time and time again, that is the truth we must remind ourselves of time and time again, that is the answer time and time again. As strong as I may be, my strength could never endure being spat upon. My strength could never endure being betrayed over and over again by the ones I love most. My strength could never endure nails through my hands and feet. My strength could never endure the splinters in my body from a wooden cross from which I hang. My strength could never endure from hell and back. My strength could never endure from east to west.

But,

His strength does.