waiting at the door

Lately, I have felt like, somehow, my life got behind everyone else’s when I really didn’t think it possibly could have. I thought that I would graduate early, get engaged, married, start law school, and live happily ever after. But I have seen so many doors close in the face of those plans for myself, and I have been more and more confused and, quite frankly, annoyed each time. I’m not going to be cryptic or beat around the bush, so here is it: it is so hard seeing all your friends get engaged and move forward into the next phase of life when you thought that would be you. Your life should be moving forward like them. After all, you were ahead of them in the race of life, weren’t you? I love the man I am with, I feel so confident he is the one intended for me, but it seems that the Lord has pushed our plans for our own lives so far from the timeline we both had intended for ourselves. Just last night, we had a conversation about my own frustration at the difficulty he has faced getting his career going. Much of it is not in his control, and I understand that, but I can't help but feel that if a door closes, we are supposed to push it down. I want to get my happily ever after. Now. He reminded me that the Lord is in control of those doors, and he said over and over that we have to trust God and his plan for our lives.

Every time he said those wise words, my "I don't need God's provision" attitude flared. We learn that we can get anything through hard work and pushing down the closed doors from our culture, from the very essence of being an American, even. God closes those doors for a reason, for a purpose. Maybe, they are not meant to be pushed down, but we are intended to wait just outside. That is the only reason I can think that door after door would be closed on what I want and thought I needed. I am intended to wait and allow God to do his work on me and my significant.

Self-work is more than just work on yourself by yourself, it is work on yourself by yourself AND God. I know He has a good work in me, and I know He has never failed me, even when I feel let down. Disappointment has been an emotion I’ve allowed to dictate so much of my mind as I see everyone else’s lives appearing to move forward as a couple as ours appears to be at a stand still.

"Be still and know that I am God."

Psalm 46:10

We are intended to wait, for whatever reason, in this season of our lives. I have squirmed, whined, yelled, fought, and kicked as the Lord has held me asking me to be still. I believe God has a plan, I believe it is a good plan, and I believe it is a plan that will grow us, my significant and I, into who we are meant to be- whether that be together or apart (hopefully not the latter). God’s ways are so much higher than mine, and it is not my job to make sure that my significant other grows or moves, it is my job to make sure I grow and move. I would hope he would come along side me, but sometimes that is not the good work God has planned for me. Truly, I’m not ok with that idea, but, faithfully, I have to be. Either way, right now, God has called the two of us to be still and know.

“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.”

‭‭Colossians‬ ‭3:16‬

I will no longer let disappointment and confusion dwell, I will let the word of Christ that says “my ways are higher.” I will let the word of God dwell that says, “all good things to those who trust.” I will let the word of God dwell that tells me “he sees and searches my heart.” I am thankful for the man who is in my life, right now, this moment. I am thankful for the Lord sending him to teach me what he has about what it means to be truly treasured as the Lord treasures me. I am thankful that I have seen blessing beyond measure in my life, and I continue to see them as my future unfolds. I am thankful for the love in my life that reflects the love of Christ.

Search my heart, Lord, and find thankfulness instead of disappointment. Find trust instead of fear. Find hope instead of dismay. Your ways are higher.

I will be still.